Trust (and crackers)

13 weeks 3 days

Ugh. After this pregnancy, if I never see another cracker again, it will be too soon.

        -My Facebook status update Monday, April 1st

 
I take it back! I love crackers! I can't do without crackers! I woke up from a glorious two-hour nap this afternoon and immediately felt so nauseous that I was about two seconds away from running to the bathroom to throw up, which I have never done so far this pregnancy! Seriously, I was feeling that tightness in the back of my jaw like it was coming. Instead I sprang up from the couch faster than I thought possible and rushed to the box of Club crackers in the cupboard. Before I had even set the package on the counter, I had half of one in my mouth. Immediately I felt better, but I also lay my cheek on the cool countertop as I chewed. Then I ate three more. Close one!

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It's only been one week since my last midwife visit when we heard a nice strong heartbeat, but I was sitting at my desk at work while the kids were reading today and wondering if I could just pop in for five minutes and have my midwife use the doppler... just to check. We haven't ordered our doppler yet, and once we do, it'll still be a couple of weeks before it arrives. I don't have another appointment until almost the end of the month, and I was thinking to myself that I just don't trust anything this time around. Last time I was sort of... not really smug, but I thought, "I've already had one loss, I'm young and healthy, surely this can't happen again." When it did, I was so crushed because I'd been so optimistic. This pregnancy, I haven't trusted for a minute that I would definitely be all right and the baby would be all right. I know now that anything can happen at any time for no apparent reason.

And then it's like God put the words into my head, "But you can trust me, and you need to trust me." And of course (imagine that), He's right. After that little revelation, I just felt so much better! Anything could still happen for no apparent reason. Last time, they sent tissue off for testing after my D&C and couldn't even find any chromosomal abnormalities. It was just unfortunate, and no one and nothing's fault. So yes, a life can be snatched up to heaven in an instant, and us puny little humans don't and can't understand why. But I don't (generally) live in terror of getting into a horrible car wreck and dying, or of slipping on an ice cube, or of having an aneurism, all of which are things, I suppose, that could happen. Anything could happen at any moment. I get through life trusting that God will take care of me and my family.

Now any time I start to fear or worry, I'm going to try and remember this moment today. God has had a plan for me since before I was born. He's had a plan for this precious baby since before time began. I may not understand His plans or even like them, but I trust Him to take care of us.